Send a Raven: Newsletter #11

Slowing down while the world is speeding up, clearing the post-diagnosis fog, and saying 'fuck it' to comparison.

Happy spring, Ravens!

Yes, I’m declaring it is spring. I don’t care if it’s snowing as I write this.

Much like the temperate the last few weeks (…most of the time), things have been defrosting since my last update. But much like my last update, I’m still finding myself struggling to get my mind and body on the same page as we enter a new season, and a new season that is so centered around change, at that.

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Since my diagnosis at the beginning of February, I’ve found myself at a very conflicting crossroads…one that has shocked me so severely into my own body, while also being the sole thing that has allowed me to take a step outside of myself and see things with a fresh set of eyes.

On one hand, it’d blanketed me in an apathetic layer of shock in a time where emotions I’d blocked out for years were finally flowing freely, leaving me with an abundance of feelings that for once I wanted to express, but couldn’t find the energy to. It’d halted all progress I’d finally mustered the energy to make on getting ARAC ready to publish. But most devastatingly, it’d robbed me of feeling like I was worthy of the blessings I’d spent years manifesting.

On the other, it’s re-instilled that “fuck it” energy that I so heavily rely on as my motivation to pursue my dreams (or explore glorified hobbies, rather) in a time where I was allowing myself to be consumed by comparison. It’s reminded me the importance of slowing down in a time where all I can focus on is that I’m not going fast enough. But most importantly, it’s introduced a compassion that the last 10+ years of my life has lacked.

It’s one of those recurring hurdles we face in adulthood that is absolute hell to endure in the short-term, but in the long-term brings with it an important lesson and a new perspective.

And is the short-term suffering really over? Or has the consistent dose of vitamin D after 5+ cold, dark months just deluded me into thinking it is? Only time will tell, but for now, I’m choosing to embrace what pockets of normalcy I can find in the madness.

Said pockets of normalcy: my first overnight trip with my bf (Canmore/Banff), life-changing french onion soup that has plagued me with a far-too-late-in-the-season craving (from Miner's Pub in Canmore), northern lights dancing across the sky at precisely 12:03 A.M. on the birthday of my late childhood friend (shoutout Renee...she's basically a celebrity on here at this point), creating an at-home recipe for the Dubai chocolate that I needed the satisfaction of cracking in half like I needed air, finally learning how to use my air-wrap dupe to get the perfect Sabrina Carpenter curls, a moose my bf and I saw while out looking for owls (yes, I'm a born & bred Canadian, but I've only ever see a moose in the wild one other time), being able to have a picnic again, stumbling upon a recipe that happened to be a dupe for Raising Canes (the Canadians understand), a quiet little pond my bf and I found on a walk near my house

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An as much as I’m living for that first-glimpse-of-spring rush of excitement that all Canadians rely on to get through the first quarter of the year, the prospect of warmer weather almost feels daunting. On top of everything I’m already struggling to juggle while I have an excuse to stay inside and bury my head in my work, you mean soon I’m going to be even busier?

Which is where I’m still struggling to find the line between discipline, and pushing myself too hard.

But I’m slowly learning that, unfortunately, that is just life; a never-ending cycle of emotional highs and lows, and energetic ebbs and flows. And the further I get on this journey of becoming a self-published author, a habit that I’m really hoping to break is the urge to stop living my life because of a project that is meant to bring me joy.

Which is much easier said than done, I know. Trust me. When I’m in the throes of edits and looming deadlines, the last thing I’m thinking of doing is throwing my hands up and calling it a day, no matter how badly my body may need it. Because if I do give my body the break that it needs, my mind suffers. I obsesses over what I’m not achieving by resting, which renders the rest period completely moot.

And then I’m right back where I started: burnt out, stressed, exhausted, and resentful.

So something I’ve been subconsciously (now consciously) doing more of as I learn how to walk the line between pursuing a goal while still enjoying the ride, is taking intentional breaks; doing something that has a purpose, and will hold my focus enough that I don’t guilt myself into getting back in front of the computer because “I’m not doing anything better” (buddy reading rather than solo reading, cooking/baking, birdwatching, nature photography, adult colouring books, etc.)

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On the writing front, ARAC progress is going well. I’ve finally broken free from the shackles of thinking that the book is too long, thanks to my constant need for a change of scenery in order to stay interested, which prompted me to move my manuscript from Kindle Create to good old Microsoft Word, which has finally given me an accurate page and word count, and has sped my editing process along considerably. There is still much to do, but having it all laid out with so many editing tools at my fingertips (spell-check, text-to-speech, etc.), I see that I am much closer to the finish line than I thought, and at a much more digestible length than I thought.

It’s still going to be long, don’t get me wrong, but I may just be able to get it trimmed down enough to get paperbacks made, which I’ve realized is really all that I care about in terms of length. If Zodiac Academy can, then I can too…

Am I a little worried about ARCs? Yes. I have full confidence that the book will be done in time for publishing, but a month earlier for ARCs is where that confidence falters. Do I really need them? Probably not. Would it save me a boatload of stress? Sure would. But “doing this the right way” was something I really wanted for my first release, so stay turned to see how the cards fall on that one…

I’m trying not to beat myself up by thinking about how much time I could’ve saved by not being so damn stubborn and transferring my manuscript to the most reputable program around, much earlier, but I’m reminding myself that this is all part of the learning process, and it’s something that I’ll never have to learn the hard way, again.

I think because I’ve been writing for so long, it’s easy to forget that I’m still a beginner. Just because I know how to write a story, doesn’t mean that I know how to publish one. But soon, I will. And that’s all that matters.